Like many males of the species, desperation is the mother of inspiration

photo - portobelloplace.com

I hate the question this time of year “Got your Christmas shopping done?” or the alternative “All ready for Christmas?”

Of course not, I’m a guy member of homo sapiens. We are too busy hunting for supper and fighting sabre tooth tigers to shop early.

We shop when most of the stores have depleted their inventories and the choices are limited to a few things we are absolutely sure didn’t get picked up by the females in our lives.

If we shop early, we would give our choices away in an indiscreet comment or  a tell-all look when the gift is advertised on TV.

Women have a way of getting that out of you with subtle statements like “That looks nice.” or “Don’t you just hate that look.”

Any twinge of the facial muscles, any twitch of the eye or even a change in heart rate could be a dead give-away that we already bought what she hates or likes.

So why shop early? You’re only out there with too many other people.

Shopping the 23rd or 24th in the afternoon is all it takes. There is the added bonus that all your male friends will be out shopping too.  Meeting someone you know might be a good occasion to have a festive drink.

The dishboys - illustration - Anewscafe.com

“Let’s go to Duffy’s Tavern for a quick one and toast the season,” you might say to a friend you meet. Last Saturday that would be the kiss of death since she would know where you have been.

I had a salesman friend who swore his wife could read his face like a newspaper. When he was away on trips it was 3 beer and back to the hotel. His wife would know he said.

In one US city a group decided to check out the local strip bar late one night.

“Can’t go,” he replied and started back to his room.

“Why not?” the crowd asked.

“My wife will find out and I’ll catch hell for it.”

“No she won’t,” the crowd implored him.

“Oh yes she will. She has radar. She might even find out before I got back to the hotel tonight. Not a chance,” he said convinced his wife knew everything.

The black eye he sported one Monday morning told us he knew consequences of a misstep. “Hockey fight,” he offered while we chuckled quietly.

So that’s why I leave Christmas shopping to today. It’s my only hope of keeping it secret.

If I can just stop blogging it will start after lunch. Yes I’ll get right to it after my nap.