I have trouble accepting, not others so much as myself: my life, the facts of my life
By Barb Natividad, Bloggo Chicago
Recent family events have brought acceptance, being accepting, of others, of facts, into light. I won’t go into details because they aren’t relevant to what I have to say, but acceptance has been an underlying theme in my life for some time now. That is, I have trouble accepting, not others so much as myself: my life, the facts of my life.
Fact: I have bipolar disorder. Fine. I learned that in 1994 and have had plenty of time to accept it. If anything, it was a relief knowing why I led the life I did at the time.
Fact: Since December 2006, I have been on disability for bipolar disorder. Not so fine. I am reasonably intelligent, I have a graduate degree, my budding teaching career was promising as was my writing career; my writing career still holds promise. People like me aren’t on disability; people like me lead successful lives. People on disability are physically disabled; those who are mentally disabled are unable to hold down jobs, let alone take care of their own basic needs like hygiene and feeding themselves, and are uneducated.
Fact: On most days, I have to force myself into the shower and feel overwhelmed by toasting a bagel or tossing a frozen entree into the microwave. This is the third season in a row that I have been unable to play on a hockey team, not so much because I’m out of shape, but, as a goaltender, I can’t commit to 20 or so games over the next 6 months because I don’t know how I’m going to feel from day to day — never mind having a job — I don’t know for sure that I could show up when I’m supposed to. I can’t even commit to a workout schedule that I set up myself. Yet I am educated and physically able, but I am also disabled.
Disability has many faces. Accepting this is much harder because one of those faces is my own, and that my disability is what’s referred to as invisible. It’s especially so because my affect, what in psychiatry is referred to as “an expressed or observed emotional response,” is not that of someone suffering from severe bipolar depression: both in my online and in person interactions with others, I come off as someone able to laugh and have fun, all of it genuine. Sometimes even my pdoc is baffled and relies more on my behavior (inability to do this or that; disinterest in things that normally interest me; lack of concentration, sleep, etc.) rather than my affect to gauge the severity of the depression. Fortunately, Brian and I are observant in this regard, and although I may be laughing about something while sitting in my pdoc’s office, I can describe the behavioral aspects of my life that aren’t — not “normal” — but more accurately, at baseline. Then again, my depression, at its severest, includes withdrawing from people, both online and in person, so they wouldn’t see me at my worst, anyway.
I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for me to accept the fact that I’m on disability — clearly, I am dis-abled: I know this and understand this. I don’t like it, but who would? I’ve described the picture of what I think people on disability are “supposed” to be like: I’m unable to hold down a job and often have trouble taking care of my basic needs. In this, I’m accurate; but I am wrong, very wrong, in that “these” people are uneducated.
Andrew
Great post. I too have been thinking a lot about the ‘acceptance’ thing. After all, I am an accomplished financial planner, have 19 years of a career under my belt, and am highly educated and skilled. Yet, if it were not for my bipolar disorder, I might have something more to show of all this than failed relationships, ruinous financial behavior, and impulsive risk-taking.
The good news for me, in term of acceptance, is that I am a trained financial planner with many years selling insurance. So, I know the many faces of disability. It only makes it a little easier mind you, compared to your own story, but it does help I think.
Life is like a game of cards. We are all dealt a hand that we must play with. In our case, it happens to be bipolar disorder and all that comes with it. But if you look around your town, your state, the country, and certainly around the world you will see many more people who were dealt hands that are far worse than the ones we were dealt. We would be happy to take our hand and walk away, content with it, and happy that we were not dealt the many other hands that people are dealt.
Another good news for you and I is that we were bright enough to buy disability insurance either individually or through our employer, or maybe you are on SS. Either way, a blessing of the insurance is that you are given income to sustain yourself and remove or certainly lessen a lifetime of financial hardship that you would face had you not had the insurance.
Don’t look at the disability insurance as a bad thing, or even being disabled. You are fun to be with. You are someone who people would like to get to know better. All these things are still true. You simply have a mental illness and you can choose who gets to know this and who does not.
I have just come through (God I hope I am through it) a hard time. While the insurance company was taking their time with my disability application, money was real tight and I was feeling real worthless. I was manic just prior to my recent depression incident and so I had been through a whirlwind and physically and emotionally exhausted. The financial stress was no fun either considering I am someone who used to have a million dollar net worth and, yet, had to go on food stamps for 6 months. It was unbelievable.
Well, the insurance company came through and the first thing I told my loving and supportive wife was “honey, let me take you out for dinner”. We had a lovely meal at a new seafood restaurant in town.
Disability insurance did that for us. So, don’t sweat it so much. You are lucky to have it because most bipolar sufferers do not. My Dad did not have it and it ruined him financially. The spillover effects of that in his personal life are too numerous to mention but they are just as equally devastating.
With a disease that makes it so difficult to make and keep a living or job, disability insurance is a god send.
Andrew
Waco
I appreciate you posting this. I do work, but I know I would be a healthier person if I did not. I’ve thought more and more about applying for disability over the past few years because even with a strict medication regimen I still experience paranoia, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and mixed states (they just aren’t quite as out of control as they would be otherwise). And there’s the fact that I walked away from my career a year and a half ago because of bipolar disorder.
I don’t know if I’m doing myself a disservice or not, but I do worry that I wouldn’t qualify for disability simply because I have been working.
I say good for you for choosing disability, at least for now. And there’s always the possibility you will find yourself able to go back to work.
I hope it isn’t inappropriate for me to post a link to my blog, here (http://www.afflictionateher.com). I’ve been trying to accept my illness, which I was diagnosed with long ago, and have been thinking hard about what affect pretending not to be ill has had on my life. A profound one, I think.
Waco
gypsymum1972
I am at the other end of the acceptance spectrum…I have always had depression since young adulthood, but just got diagnosed with bipolar after a “break” during my post-partum after 2nd child. My acceptance problem is still to get friends and familt to accept that i have this disorder…thats its not just me being lazy or having an “excuse” not to push myself like “they” do…thye just dont understand….i DO push myself…to get up and to still actually BE here nd NOT giving up!!
>>>>The reason why i am responding to you is this….even though you dont accept it…this is a much easier way of life —a secure source of income–to be honest with you I am an administrative accountant and i can barely just do taxes now, so its very hard for me to find the right job, let alone keep it. Right now i am competing with so many others with better work records and not able to get the work, wich means i strugle with how i am going to get my meds covered each month…or IF i am going to be able to get them…it don’t matter that i NEED them. Right now I am actually collecting a family allowance–NOT disability, because i like to work too, but to be honest its an awful existence because every 65 – 90 days i get a letter alerting me i may not be eligible anymore…..and then i have to worry whether or not i am going to have a home for my children and for myself….and trust me parenting with this disorder has it OWN set of struggles each day, as you well know just coping each and every day on your own. I am not trrying to tell you there is someone worse off than you….cuz i use that on myself everyday…and it just pisses me off more, and throws me into the whole guilty cycle…which is never good for us.
what i am saying is…u have an opportunity to VOLUNTEER your time, and not be committed to a schedule–only the one YOU make up…and lets be real here…we are really good at playing “lets pretend” we pretend to happy when we are sad, we act like life is great when we just feel like ending it….why not use that to your advantage and volunteer somewhere and “act” to yourself that you are going to “work” and your disabilty cheque is your paycheque…we “pretend” every day for OTHER people…when you need to…why not do it for yourself??
Best wishes
Barb
First, I’d like to thank Stephen Pate for choosing to publish my blog post here. Second, I’m overwhelmed that the post has received responses, and I’m thrilled because it’s always nice to know that I am not alone; that there are others out in the world who understand this issue and are at various places in terms of their own or others’ acceptance.
I have to admit that disability has been a relief from the financial stress my illness has placed on my husband and me. We were just starting out when I was no longer able to work, and medication, groceries — basic needs — went on credit cards. I am happy to say we our now digging ourselves out of that hole.
@Andrew, thank you for showing me that others “fall from grace” so to speak, and are able to accept their current situation, specifically being on disability.
I agree that other people have been dealt much worse hands in life, which is something I try to remember. In reality (as opposed to in my head), I have a pretty good life. Thank you for sharing your story.
@Waco, I never realized that I qualified for disability until my husband was laid off from work 3 years ago. We lost our insurance and I started going to a free, public social services agency. They were the ones who suggested I apply, considering my history. My case worker helped me every step of the way, including accompanying me to the Social Security office.
Perhaps there is something similar where you live that can help. Maybe this site can offer some info: http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/ but just in case it’s a dubious source, I would visit the Social Security site: http://www.ssa.gov/applyfordisability/adult.htm
I don’t think it’s inappropriate to post your blog link, since your name on the comments is linked to it, anyway. 😉 Still, thank you for leaving it; I’ll be sure to visit.
@gyspymum, I understand what it’s like for family and friends to think you can just snap out of depression. It has taken years, but my family finally understands. It doesn’t mean they’re very good at supporting me, but it’s progress and if that’s all they can manage, I have to accept that as well.
With friends, if they think I’m a “freak” because I have bipolar, or they aren’t willing to understand or at the very least simply accept, then I don’t consider them to be very good friends and no longer worth keeping. Just my two cents.
Yes, I am very lucky to have a source of income — any source, period. I believe it is possible to work part-time even when you’re on SSD as long as you net less than $800/mo. Volunteering is something I used to do and will be trying to do again. That’s the next step. I just returned to therapy and my priority for now is to make sure I show up each week.
Thanks for writing.
Stephen Pate
The article and comments display a sharing attitude and a very warm person. Thanks
Clifton Welk
Hi. I found a good website about depression and bipolar disorder: http://www.lawsonclinic.com.au