Saving Eowyn

Deciding to have another child is never easy. With one of Sarah Seymour’s children was autistic, it was a harder decision to make

Bucket head Ean, could he save his sister?

By Sarah Seymour, Edmonton, Alberta, June 24, 2009

I am wondering if my last son is a designer baby. He was not genetically engineered, although we did go through genetic counseling before conceiving the child.

I miscarried right before conceiving him. He was planned and conceived however for a purpose. He was born with the hope that he would save his sister. Not from a deadly disease like cancer, nor was there ever any thought of any invasive procedures being done on him like a kidney transplant.

I said to myself at the time that people have babies for far less noble reasons, to save a marriage, to see what they can create, for love…..or just because they were unprepared.

I never really thought much about the ethics of the decision. This baby was wanted and loved, and there was a chance that he could bring his older sister back to me. And if it didn’t work, I would still have a beautiful child to love and have lost nothing in the attempt.

At almost 30 years of age I was married. I thought it was a stable enough relationship, which was on its last chance. Even that did not seem enough reason to not create life.

I was healthy and the bread winner of the family, I felt that I would be able to support my family in the future. A new baby seemed right.

How could a baby save my daughter? My only daughter Eowyn at the time was 4 years of age. She had been diagnosed at the age of 3 with autism. My beautiful non verbal, glassy eyed princess.

At 4 she could squeeze out the word mama, dada, bubbles, and a few other words. She was not potty trained; she was aggressive and had self harming behavior. She would scream and tantrum for hours when set off by tactile sensations or noises.

But there were moments, brief moments when my daughter would peer out at me from those beautiful dark brown eyes, the autism leaving, and just her there. Then just as quickly the autism would return and she would giggle and spin and spin away from me. I lived for the moments of her, those authentic moments.

One day we were babysitting a young baby, and this young one was playing on the floor. My daughter came dancing through and stepped right on the wee one. Of course the baby cried, and my daughter actually stopped to see what was making the noise.

She was transfixed by baby Victoria. She sat for a full minute and watched her cry. The next time she entered the room she approached the baby but didn’t step on her. This in itself was miraculous for a child that could walk into traffic and not notice.

She bent down, and pinched the baby and then laughed. Not a proud moment for me exactly, but a light bulb moment. She knew she could influence the baby. This was huge.
Over the next couple of visits, Eowyn tried to force the baby to eat a bottle mimicking adult behavior and even pick the baby up. Immediately after the baby’s visits Eowyn was calmer and more focused. She climbed into my lap looked me square in the eye and said “I love you”

I knew right then what I had to do. I had to have another baby. I knew it would change our lives.

Within 6 months of Ean’s arrival Eowyn began speaking in complete sentences. These were not one word and pointing but sentences. “Eowyn wants to go outside”. She became potty trained.

Her face changed. She is behind her eyes 90% of the time; we almost never see the autistic eyes anymore. She was rough and tumble with him at times. She slept in his crib and would carry him around, but she grew in leaps and bounds and in ways we never dreamed she could grow. She almost never throws screaming tantrums in public. She follows step by step verbal directions and she gives them to us as well.

Did I make the right decision to have another child? I believe 100% yes. Was this choice made because of the needs of another in the house? Again I believe 100% yes. I am a little troubled by the ethics of this.

I wonder at times if I always put my kids without disabilities on equal footing with the child who has the severe disability. I think out of necessity and safety she gets more attention at times, but as she grows she needs less. I know my older boys have had to make sacrifices because they have a sibling with a disability and adding another child meant one more to share with.

Sarah Seymour is a mother, disability activist and writer. Her unflinching support for her children and autism advocacy has earned her the respect of her community and the businesses she has helped. Seymour organized a short and successful protest against Smitty’s Restaurant when then excluded her daughter. Restaurant vows to give staff sensitivity training after autism incident. She can be contacted from he Facebook page.