Loneliness can be beaten

One of the characteristics of living with a disability is loneliness. Perhaps right along with pain, loneliness can define the disability existence. However, it is possible to deal with loneliness positively within the disability life.

The key to dealing with loneliness is to meet it head on, admit it is an issue in our lives and work diligently to overcome it, just like we work to overcome pain or the actual disabling condition. Loneliness can be diminished.

All humans seek social contact. We want to belong to groups of like-minded people. It’s in our nature and those who reduce their people contacts are rejecting some uniquely human. Social contact and belonging keep us mentally healthy.

The peculiar aspect of loneliness for the disabled is they are often isolated by their visual, hearing, physical or mental disability. What’s the use of going to the concert if you can’t hear? Why bother going skiing if you can’t ski? So the disability precludes many of the activities that other people enjoy together.

Work or school are major opportunities for people to socialize. For 8 hours a day you are near, talking to and seeing people you know who say social things like “How are you today” “Going for lunch?”, “Did you see the sports on TV last night?”

For the unemployed person with a disability, that represents a third of their day when they lack the social contacts of most people.

One idea to consider is Buddhist teaching. (Full disclosure: I am not a Buddhist but learned they have many good ideas) Buddhists teach that loneliness and affinity are two opposite poles of the same emotion, a dharma We know what’s its like at our birthday party – friends and relatives are there and surrounding us with gifts and attention. The other end of the spectrum is 3 AM and no one is awake but you and something is bothering you.

So if we are feeling lonely, it’s merely the opposite of the same dharma or emotion of affinity. It doesn’t mean people care any less for us or we care any less for each other. Loneliness is a mental state or emotion – people can be in a room full of people and still be lonely if they chose not to interact.

That is the key to loneliness: we must choose to interact with other humans. If we don’t have a job, we can join a volunteer group. Most volunteer groups thrive on people who need affinity with other. Then we are with other people, increase our store of human dignity and helping others.

We can join special interest groups. Play an instrument: join the Bluegrass Society or some other group that interests us. Most groups have slow jams that allow non-professionals to play. Or attend their free concerts.

Join a coffee klatch or other social group at the local coffee shop. Millions of retired people face the same social dilemma of persons living with disabilities and they find getting out and about essential to beating loneliness.

Again, the key to all of this is getting out and about, proactive effort on our part to socialize.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with being alone. To be alone is to think, to ponder, to create. It’s hard to read a book at a party or at work. If we are always socializing we miss one of the great gifts, thinking. Thinking is a uniquely human activity that raises us above the rest of the planet. We can think about whatever pleases us, worries us, concerns us.

Maybe that thinking will solve a personal or family problem, result in a letter to the paper or short story. Maybe that thinking will help us to deal with our disability or the problems of others.

For more reading on this, try to find “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron. A therapist recommended it to me years ago and it was very helpful.

Call someone up today and tell them you love them. If you can’t muster that, how about “like.” Have a great day.